


Coming Back Together Again

by roguefaerie



Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Access Intimacy, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Chronic Pain, Disability, Enthusiastic Consent, Established Relationship, Eventual Sex, Exhaustion, Fade to Black, Feelings, Fix-It of Sorts, Flashbacks, For the most part, Hurt/Comfort, It's Well Marked, M/M, Other: See Story Notes, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reciprocity, Reunions, Sharing a Bed, Skin Hunger, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Touch-Starved, of the PTSD nature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25072717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguefaerie/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: The important thing is that Bucky remembers who he is.(Or:Possibly endlessNecessary Conversations between Steve and Bucky.)Complete: 7/30/20
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 40
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even try to pretend that I track the Marvel movies well enough to make this perfectly compliant with them. It happens that I started this at the time of my birthday and I try to get a lot of writing done in the summer. Some of this is my id, some of this is just OTP energy, some of this is PTSD recovery feels ~~which I wasn't going to tag but now I have~~.
> 
> So IDK, mostly just id, to be honest, about tropes that have played in my head since childhood. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Begun 7/4/20, keeping notes on this. Dating bug fixed.
> 
> ETA: Fic is now complete and final chapter will definitely be up by the end of the week.
> 
> Kinda like: Chapters 1-7 are one thing. Chapter 8 begins something of a part 2. I...am trying to contain this, but I have a lot of thoughts about Cap, disability, PTSD, and access intimacy, so here we are.
> 
> All the same 'verse.
> 
> Additional warning/content note: This is a story about what happens if Steve gets Bucky back, and they're happy, but Steve no longer has his quest. Take that content note as you will. He's mostly all good. Until maybe he's not. 
> 
> This story is also set in 2020. There are very light references to...2020.

“You can’t do that,” Shuri is saying, and Steve doesn’t want to wait for the rest of what she’s about to say--the why or the how. He just wants to be where he knows he needs to, no matter what.

“He’ll--”

“What? He’ll snap? Do you think I haven’t seen that before?” Steve asks, though he steadies his voice deliberately and speaks as quietly as he can. It’s not _not true_. It’s the truest thing he can say right now.

“He won’t hurt you,” Shuri says, “I know he-- he knows who you are.” 

Steve’s stomach does a twist at those words. “Then I need to--”

“It’s just, you could hurt him. We don’t know everything about his trauma. We don’t know what seeing you is going to do to him.”

And there it is. The elephant in the room, and it’s bright pink.

“Shuri, I--”

Shuri takes a deep breath and lets it out. “We just don’t know.”

“It has to happen sometime. Please.” Steve doesn’t think much about how he is pleading with a child. He knows that Shuri is the scientist in the room and he’s-- he’s-- just someone with a broken heart. Breaking all over again.

He lets out his own breath and listens to the silence that falls between them.

“You’ve… You know the most about how he’s recovering. I know you’ve done your best for him. But I’ve got to see him. I have to be able to do _something_ , Shuri.”

“You will. We just don’t know what the outcome will be.”

Steve has waited so long. Now he knows that _his_ Bucky is there, the one who remembers who he is.

For now--maybe he can wait a little bit longer.

“He’s your patient,” he says, ignoring the ache in his gut.

*~*~*

Steve has been given a hut that isn’t far from where Bucky is, and something about the proximity makes everything worse. He doesn’t know how to handle this new reality. He knows that enough of Bucky is back as far as he’s concerned.

And that should be all that matters, but Steve is on high alert, his nerves thrumming.

Bucky is right there. And nowhere at all.

Steve clears his throat. He reminds himself when he sees Bucky there will be recognition in the man’s eyes and that will have to be enough.

*~*~*

Shuri knocks tentatively on the door of Steve’s quarters in the middle of the grasslands. She can see through the window that his body is taut, poised for a threat. She knocks again anyway.

She has seen her brother in fighting poses before, and of course the actual warriors besides him. She does not fear someone like Steve Rogers.

Steve softens his stance deliberately and goes to the door.

“He knows you’re here,” Shuri says. “You have been very patient through all of this, and perhaps today is the day.”

“The day we trust Bucky?” Steve asks, and smiles, weary but prepared.

He does. He trusts Bucky Barnes.

*~*~*

The recognition in Bucky’s eyes is enough to make Steve dizzy. They are across a lab room from each other and there is something like plexiglass between them, but Bucky zeroes in on Steve as soon as he sets one foot over the threshold. Their eyes lock and if this is all Steve will have it will be enough--it fills his heart like nothing he’s ever felt in decades. Over half a century, maybe.

Time doesn’t mean anything anymore.

Shuri speaks softly when she asks him, “Do you want to go further?” but Steve doesn’t register the question.

He’s just Steve now, all of his defenses dropped, all of the monikers pushed aside. 

He’s just Steve now. 

And there’s Bucky.

And nothing else.

*~*~*

The first day, neither of them move closer. Steve feels his eyes misting over and he realizes for the first time that he might be just as overwhelmed as Bucky could be.

Shuri smiles a little and says, “You’ve gotten a little pale, Steve Rogers. Maybe some food?”

“I can’t believe it,” Steve whispers.

“Neither can he.”

*~*~*

Steve begrudgingly eats, picking at a plate of mostly light fare and says, “I couldn’t. I wasn’t expecting-- well-- that.”

“Things take time.”

“I wasn’t scared.”

“I know.”

“I can’t believe it.”

“Tomorrow will be a little easier, Steve Rogers.”

*~*~*

And it is. Steve puts his hand up to the partition, and he sees the flicker of a smile on Bucky’s lips. The other soldier still stands as if he might be at war, but Steve knows that smile. It’s not The Winter Soldier that looks back at him, and Steve is not expecting the wave of fresh heartbreak that comes.

But he knows war, and he knows that it matters that he feels something.

*~*~*

On the third day he asks Shuri to open the partition, and they are tentative as they move toward each other, counting every footfall.

Steve feels the moment that every single ounce of resolve melts out of him and he lets his feelings overtake him. The worst is the abandonment, which he quashes down deliberately because Bucky is right here.

Right here.

When his arms finally close around Bucky his entire body is aching with tension that eases out of him in waves. 

He doesn’t remember crossing the rest of the distance, but he and Bucky have.

He lets himself envelop Bucky in a crushing embrace, fully aware it might be too much but not being able to hold on any other way. If anything he wishes he could hold on tighter.

“Hey, you,” Bucky says. “Waited a long time for this.”

Steve laughs, harsh, and says, “Buck, you have no idea,” and then they’re both laughing, two soldiers who know he has every idea in the world--that he knows.

“I needed to--” Steve starts to say.

“I know.”

“Just tell me how-- What to do, Buck, and I’ll do it.”

“This is fine,” Bucky says, and it has the note in it Steve remembers from their first night together in Brooklyn, when they first said the words and Bucky was his. He remembers everything, like he can play the whole thing again, and like no one else is here.

Shuri quietly leaves the room without another word and Steve senses this happen but his mind is on Bucky, right here and right now, and how it can be as if the entire world has ended and no time has passed at all, all at the same time. 

*~*~*

They leave Wakanda, and Steve has a new almost adoration for Shuri in the moment that it’s all possible. Steve and Bucky settle back in New York, where they have always felt the most at home.

It will be a long road back to wherever they’re going, but they have every intention of getting there together.

There’s nothing else in the world more true than that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I should tag this Established Relationship but now I have and am going whole hog in that direction. It's also unclear to me exactly how long this is going to be or how much of this needs to be written for it to be "done" but this is what I've got so far. :)

The whole way home, they are surrounded by people who know what this means. Steve has been practicing how to put his phone on silent for exactly this occasion, and when he’s back in cell phone range of the rest of his North American counterparts he sends one text, carefully: “Bucky’s here,” and the flood of thumbs ups and smiley faces that likely come after arrive without reaching his awareness.

The apartment they’re headed to is one Tony has had in reserve, though he never really mentioned it to Steve until the moment actually arrives to reveal its existence. In any case, it’s theirs and Steve has the address written out on a post-it note stuffed in his wallet. So far nothing has gone wrong with this stint at trying to be a civilian again, although even if it was going wrong he isn’t sure he’d be able to tell one way or the other.

Steve has tunnel vision. 

Bucky is quiet and contained, not soldier-still but holding things in all the same. When they touch down finally in New York, he walks behind Steve at exactly the pace he always did when he knew Steve would be taking him somewhere new. They fall in step, but Steve is the one who knows where they’re going and Bucky won’t let out whatever he’s feeling until they get there.

Steve knows this, like the years have melted off of him and his best friend, his one and only, and they’re the nervous kids they used to be one day long ago.

Steve relishes it.

This is the second chance he has always waited for. The one he banked everything on.

And won.

He’ll do anything for the precious person following quietly behind him.

The apartment is in Brooklyn, meaning it’s just the right distance from the tower and the rest of the Avengers. It’s going to be his, just like he’s a civilian and so is Bucky.

After all this time.

He’ll worry about the details later.

They arrive at the building and ride quietly up in the elevator, and then they’re in front of the door.

Bucky stops short hard enough it’s audible, but Steve keeps going, resolute, and opens the door for the first time.

Bucky follows him in, still wordless, but Steve turns to him as the door shuts behind them and Bucky’s eyes are following him as if he’s the only person in the universe.

“Well, Buck,” Steve says, keeping his tone low and soft, “We’re home.”

That’s when Bucky reaches for him, still wordless, almost falling forward and then letting Steve take him in his arms. Steve reaches forward and catches him, and Bucky goes soft against Steve’s frame as if all of his muscles are giving up at once.

“Okay. Gotcha. Gotcha.”

The smile that spreads on Bucky’s tired face says that he knows Steve does.

They stand there and Steve finds himself rocking just slightly in place, and Bucky burrows closer to him in his embrace. Steve ever so gently pulls Bucky toward the bed and Bucky lets him all but swaddle him in pillows and blankets.

“Rest now, Bucky,” Steve says, and he’s rewarded with three gentle words in reply.

“I missed you.”

*~*~*

Most of the time he doesn’t get more than a few words from Bucky these days, but Steve hasn’t really expected otherwise. How could he?

Bucky says the most when he leans into Steve like the touch is all he’s ever needed. Like Steve’s all he’s ever needed, all this time.

They’re home and safe, and Bucky has gotten enough treatment to come back to him. The long silences are something that Steve can get used to. He might even expect them. 

Mostly he doesn’t care. The point is that Bucky is here. He’s home.

Time passes, with Steve bringing in meals and treading carefully and quietly around their place. Maybe both of them are waiting, unsure exactly how to be right now. 

The first time Bucky is the one to lead Steve into the comfort and safety of their bed he almost doesn’t know how to handle it. There still isn’t a flood of words, but Bucky is insistent, and the kiss Bucky pulls him into is real and hot.

“Been waiting,” Bucky says gruffly, and Steve can’t tell if he’s feeling excitement or shame or both at once.

Steve hasn’t ever questioned for very long if he would be able to get Bucky back. But knowing what to do once he had managed it? That was something else entirely.

“I didn’t--”

“I know. You’ve been being real gentle with me, Steve. But you need things too. Like being mine.”

Steve’s heart thuds in his chest and he closes his eyes tightly. 

“Again,” Bucky adds.

“Still,” Steve whispers back. “I, uh, I haven’t really…”

“Steve, I know.”

“I can’t believe you’re back.”

“Believe it,” Bucky whispers. “And Steve?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t let me go.”

Bucky is watching him so carefully and this is the moment, the one moment that is going to make or break him. His breath catches in his throat and his eyes mist up and this time he’s not going to be able to hold things back.

“I know, Steve.”

“I won’t. I won’t. I swear, Bucky, I won’t, I never did. I _never did_.”

“Breathe. Let me…” And he isn’t expecting Bucky to kiss him first, he isn’t expecting any of this, but here Bucky is, pulling him as close as he can and murmuring again and again, “Don’t let go.” His body is hard from all of the years he spent as the-- on the other side, but his hands are gentle even if it seems like he wants every part of him to be touching Steve. “Were you waiting for this?” he asks, and Steve is nodding, pressed up against Bucky’s chest and neck. “I was too,” Bucky says.

“Every day,” Steve says, and he realizes Bucky is echoing him, in perfect time.


	3. Chapter 3

“You waited a long time,” Bucky says, one arm looped around Steve’s so they’re close enough to touch sides as they sit up in bed. 

“Well, I was in cryo for a lot of it,” Steve says, not pulling away but wanting to play things down for the moment. Coming too close to this topic--too fast--or at all… he isn’t sure if he can, even with Bucky.

“You waited. Steve. And you waited while-- while--”

“Bucky, don’t.”

“I’ll fix it, Steve. We won’t ever--they won’t be able to get to me again, and I’ll never hurt you again. I swear.”

“You didn’t hurt me, Bucky. I...I let them get to you and they hurt you.”

Bucky stiffens. “No,” he whispers.

“Buck.”

“Let me, Steve. I have to… I can’t believe you waited for me. I mean, of course I believe you did. You’re Steve Rogers and I know you, but I still can’t--”

“And you were my first and only, Bucky. Sure, it may not be what everyone would do but you--”

“I’m a freak.” It’s sudden and harsh and out there in the air between them. “You waited for me? Even knowing--all this?”

“Of course I did. I always would have. You saw me. You’ve always been able to see me.”

Bucky’s mouth drops open into a silent, _Oh_.

“It’s true, Buck. So I held onto you. And you… you held onto me too, and if there’s anything that tells me we’re still supposed to have each other, it’s that.”

“But I--”

“Hey. Hey. Bucky. Do you know what I told Shuri?”

“What?”

“That it’s time to trust Bucky Barnes. And I do.”

“Jesus, Steve.”

“It’s okay, Bucky. Because it’s true. I do.”

“And that’s it?”

“And that’s it. It’s as simple as that. You’re home now.”

“Steve…”

“Gotcha, Buck,” Steve says, and pulls Bucky as close to him as he can. “Just rest now. I’m right here.”

When Bucky starts to shake in Steve’s arms he just holds on tighter. And when Bucky’s pain comes out in a long keening noise he whispers, “Okay. Okay. I’m right here. I’ve always been right here.”

He doesn’t let go, even after Bucky finally stops fighting so hard and falls asleep pressed up tightly against him.

*~*~*

They wake up hours later, in the same position, and it’s Bucky freezing in place that brings Steve all the way out of sleep.

“Buck?”

“You’re still here? You...stayed?” Bucky asks, as if fighting through terror.

“Promised I would,” Steve says softly. “I plan to, Bucky.”

“I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. And for you--”

Steve has some idea what Bucky is about to say. But nothing in the world would change this decision for him. 

“I’m staying, Bucky. We’re supposed to--be each other’s. I know that.”

“My mind’s racing to catch up. Sometimes I’m fine but then… I lose track of what’s even happened. Are you...are you okay with that?” Bucky asks.

“Of course I am, Buck. You know something similar happened to me. I had more time to adjust than you’ve had just yet.”

“What did you do about it?”

“Well, I’ll be honest. People helped me. It turns out that most things aren’t better, Buck. Somehow I came back, and there’s still fascists. We didn’t win. The difference is we’re fighting them on home turf, and… and what happened to you, it’s part of the proof. So things aren’t better. They’re different. But we don’t have to hide, Bucky, like we used to. When we wanted everything to go faster… well, it’s going faster now. So we have some things we don’t have to be afraid of anymore. You can lean on me, Buck. I’ve been here a while, getting used to things.”

“You mean it was different because--nobody tried to-- Program you.”

“Yes. Partly, that’s what I mean. But I’ve also had friends around me. And they caught me up as best they could.” Steve smiles. “And, you know, I thought I should tell you this too. Some of them tried to flirt with me. And I was really, really bad at it, so eventually most people caught on that I wasn’t going to be anybody else’s and they pretty much didn’t have a choice about it. Because I don’t either, Bucky. It’s you and me.

“A friend of mine, well, you know Tony,” Steve says tentatively, “A lot happened, and it’s complicated, but he owed me a big favor, so he arranged for this place. People know I’m out of the game. At least for as long as it takes. I’m here for you, now, Bucky, so you don’t have to be afraid.”

Bucky sags against Steve, starting to shiver, and Steve covers him gently in first one and then another layer of blankets.

“I’ve got you, Buck. We’ve got time. We’re safe here.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter rated M. Pretty sure. From here on, there's more fade to black with an assumption of M-rated things happening.

*~*~*

“I tried to-- kill-- I mean I--”

“Bucky. Breathe. Anything they tried to do to you, it wasn’t _you_. Do you understand that?”

“Most… Part of the time. But Steve, how can you-- you said you trusted me.”

“Because I do trust you, Bucky Barnes. Somehow, Shuri got you back to me.”

Bucky smiles, tired but bright. “I remembered you. I remembered who you were. And since I could remember who you were… I could remember who I was.”

“See? You and me. Package deal.”

“Always have been.”

“Always.”

“Steve…”

“Yeah, Buck?”

“The...the programming…” Bucky’s hands ball into fists. “I…”

There’s a long silence after Bucky trails off.

Steve curls into his side and doesn’t say anything either.

Finally Bucky lets out a breath. “You trust me.”

“I do. Because I know who you are, and you know who I am, Bucky Barnes. And because I’ve never loved anyone else, not like this.”

“It might’ve been the death of you, Captain America.”

Steve smiles at him and gently pushes at the top of his head in a mock swat. “But it was worth it, wasn’t it.”

“It’s worth it--to still be here. Where...when...it’s safe.”

“Always safe with me, Buck. Always.”

“I...I feel it. And I want…”

“I’ll give you the world,” Steve says.

*~*~*

The brave Bucky Barnes who kissed Steve first comes and goes. Most of the time they just ride the wave, each of them slipping into the ebb and flow when they need to. Steve isn’t thinking about what might happen if he just sinks into this and doesn’t come out again to save the world. Something about what he told Bucky--that they didn’t win, and he still sees fascism even here, in the heart of New York--it’s real and true as anything else he’s said to him, and he’s not sure if he’ll ever end up being Captain America again. If he doesn’t, it’ll all be worth it in the end anyway.

Bucky Barnes has always been his endgame. His happily ever after. It was the fact that the fascists knew this that kept him from Bucky.

Maybe if he just admits he never won against them, not in a way that could eradicate them, maybe he’ll have his happily ever after right here in the middle of hell.

He knows that isn’t the whole answer to the problem, but it is so much of it. Enough of it, for now.

“Earth to Steve,” Bucky whispers low. “Look who needs a distraction now.”

Steve smiles. “Oh? And are you going to be the distraction?”

“I could be,” Bucky murmurs.

Everything slows down as the nerves all over his body light up. “Buck. I…”

“Tell me,” Bucky says, “Tell me if we should do this now.”

“Yes.”

Bucky rolls over closer to him, and Steve lets him lift the blankets and then the sheet away.

“Tell me how much you want. Can I...touch you? Is it okay? Steve?”

Steve takes Bucky’s wrist in his hand and guides it downward, but not all the way. “You can. You should. I trust you, Bucky Barnes.” And Bucky’s hands shake a little bit as he braces himself with one hand on Steve’s thigh and takes Steve in his other hand.

A shiver ripples through Steve. He remembers this, as if time is melting away. His moments with Bucky were so quiet and fleeting and yet they were entwined with everything he remembers about his body and now is no different.

Bucky is still everything he ever wanted.

Everything slows down. He doesn’t want to ask questions, but they’re spilling forward from him and Bucky at the same time.

“Are you ready? Buck?”

“Can I?”

Steve’s body floods with sensation. He watches Bucky moving and he remembers this and he never wants the memory to end, but it will, and too soon. “Keep going,” he says. “Don’t ever stop.”

Steve will remember every second. He has to.

*~*~*

Years of mental pain and anguish have melted off of Steve. He cradles Bucky in his arms and thinks about how young he looks. He thinks about how Bucky is going to love what’s happened since they were last together. Well, enough of it that the horrible parts won’t matter as much.

They’ve been given a gift. It’s been a hell of a ride, but it’s all worth it now that he’s here with Bucky.

The person he has always been meant for. The one who means Steve would always do it all again.

Maybe this means the other shoe is about to drop. But for the moment he can watch Bucky sleep peacefully and he knows that somehow he managed to get through to the love of his life.

*~*~*

Bucky’s eyelids flutter open and he yawns, cuddling close to Steve seemingly without the urgency that was there when he first came home.

“Morning,” Steve whispers.

“You trusted me.”

“I promised you I did,” Steve says. “And I always will.”

“But--”

“Did you come back to me?”

“Yes.”

“Then...that’s what happened, Bucky.”


	5. Chapter 5

*~*~*

Steve knows that Bucky still has to swim up and into actual reality from his dreams. Sometimes he screams, and Steve wonders if he’ll start screaming too. He knows in the back of his head Bucky carries the part of him who was forced to almost forget Steve--except as a target.

That doesn’t go away and maybe it never will. But Steve holds tightly to the Bucky Barnes who is here with him in present-day New York.

They go on walks together now, because Bucky is starting to trust himself a little bit more too, and they dip through neighborhoods Bucky would recognize, even if most of the businesses have long since succumbed to late stage capitalism. Most of the green spots are still there, and the alleyways where they ducked away from the crowded streets to be themselves.

They remember every single one.

*~*~*

Steve can see Bucky coming into himself out in the fresh air. He even smiles when they pass all their old haunts, sharing an in-joke that’s so far past that it’s safe to say they’re the only two who will know the punchline. But Steve shows him the newer places too, and when they see couples who hold hands out in the open it’s obvious from Bucky’s face that he’s thrilled about that too.

“Things’ve come a ways,” Bucky says.

“In a lot of the ways that count.”

They sit on their stoop and Steve tells him about Stonewall, and who started it, and what it means now. They won’t be tourists and go to the bar, but they smile about it all the same. 

That’s when he sees another brick in the wall come loose for Bucky who says, “You know something, Steve?”

“Hm?”

“They never called me Bucky. You know. The fash.”

“Of course the Nazis wouldn’t, Buck. They don’t even get to.” 

“I guess they wouldn’t call you Steve, either.”

“Well, they know my name. But… We get to do that. The names are ours. They still feel like home.”

Bucky smiles, the tiniest bit of impishness in his face. “But you know. Captain America still suits you. Especially when they really have no idea who you are.”

In another time, another place, Steve would laugh. But today: “Sometimes I’m not really sure if we can win, Bucky. Fighting them from the inside?”

“I guess we’ll find out when we get there.”

They both exhale, leaving the rest unsaid for now. Bucky lets Steve take him under his arm and pull him inside again. “For now I know where we’re going.”

*~*~*

“You know the truth, right, Steve? You won’t just stop being Captain America.”

Steve suddenly feels tired. “I know.”

“Your, um, your friends, I know they’re covering the bases right now. But if you need me to fight alongside you…”

Steve thinks about the taut body of the soldier that Bucky was, how they’re both aware of it in the back of their minds when they’re in bed together and it makes Bucky so uncertain of his place these days. “Well I…”

“You’d rather not fight. At least sometimes. At least right now. But I think instead of stopping,” Bucky says, “There’s got to be a new way.”

“Mm. Yeah. There’s always a new way.” Steve smiles, but it’s got sadness in it.

“We’ll figure it out, Steve. One step at a time.”

*~*~*

Summer in New York City is sudden and hot. All around them, protests spring up among the people who still care. These are the people that fight alongside Captain America, whether or not they would ever even think of him.

He realizes it, and something changes about how he’s walking through the city streets.

Maybe he’s daring people to see him, even if it’s been a relief to just be the two of them, without any names attached but the ones they grew up with.

It feels like it might be time to go back to Tony’s tower and see what the hell is up.

Maybe.

“If you needed to…” Steve asks, “Do you remember how to…?”

“I can defend myself,” Bucky says. “I didn’t forget anything important. Not forever, anyway.” It stings a little as it sits there in the air between them, and he smiles to help ease the tension. “They didn’t really know what they were giving me, in the end, did they?”

Steve is suddenly so tired. Definitely time to deflect at least a little bit. “Probably not, sweetheart.” He lets his accent seep into the word, and he relishes Bucky’s answering grin. “You know I would rather just be able to keep you safe.”

“I know. But there’s only one Captain America, and the people are going to need you.”

“You think I should let them know I’m queer as a three dollar bill?” Steve asks.

“I thought that was why you already had groupies.”

Steve finally laughs, and it’s the most he’s laughed since he got to Wakanda.


	6. Chapter 6

*~*~*

When they wake up together in the morning, they very nearly take turns expressing quiet awe. Whoever is ready to greet the day pulls the other into a kiss that somehow melts everything else away and it is so very clear it’s all been worth it in the end. And this is not even the end. They’re Steve Rogers and Bucky fucking Barnes and if Bucky remembers how to take care of himself and Steve physically--then the pair of them will be unmatchable. 

It’s heady and amazing at first and then a little voice tells Steve that Bucky’s right. That he’ll always be Captain America and probably the truth is that something will always be coming for him, too.

But right now he can tell that Bucky is restless and uncomfortable in his skin, not ready to take on the world yet. Steve offers him a good morning kiss and Bucky makes a startled but not unhappy noise as Steve pulls him close to him.

“I could...I could really get used to that.”

“Every day, Bucky. It’s long overdue.”

And that’s only where the day begins.

*~*~*

Other days are not nearly as easy and carefree. Even Steve can wake up out of a nightmare, and those are the worst days of all because Bucky has to remind himself that his worst nightmare isn’t coming true. Just because Steve has nearly as much PTSD as Bucky does doesn’t mean that Steve thinks he’s-- he’s the-- The person who tried to kill him. Not really. But those mornings are infinitely harder to get started, and just when they’re feeling ready to take on the world together something seems to surface for Steve that shows Steve’s not really ready either.

Maybe it was stopping in the first place to process that gummed up the works, but it’s Bucky’s turn then to quietly remind him he probably didn’t have a choice.

Sometimes on a morning like that Bucky goes on a walk by himself to clear his head of the cobwebs of being the Winter Soldier.

And when Steve sees him again, coming in out of the summer light and heat, the smile is back on Steve’s face. He pulls Bucky close and murmurs into his neck and they both can breathe again.

*~*~*

“One of these days there’s Tony too,” Bucky says over toast.

“Ugh. Don’t remind me. I like quiet, generous Tony.”

“Guilty Tony?”

“Maybe a little.”

Bucky laughs. “Yeah. I mean, this apartment’s nice to have. Didn’t he buy it outright though?”

“Or so he says. Yeah. I mean, he probably wouldn’t lie. You think I need to go back to his tower?”

“Well, it’s something to think about.”

“Remember you’re always telling me there’s another way?”

“I am. That’s true. But they’re the Aveng--”

“We’ll see.”

Underneath that, maybe later on in the same day, would come the part that Steve wasn’t saying. “Bucky, I need you to not let me go either.”

“I know,” Bucky says then. “And remember. I promised to fix this, just as much as you did. I won’t let you go.”

When he knows Bucky can see his eyes glistening and wet he lets Bucky swoop in and hold him close. What remains of the tough Winter Soldier body is familiar by now and it’s moments like these Steve realizes he’s really proving it: he trusts Bucky this much, too.

“It’s safe,” Bucky whispers.

“If I never see another person….” Steve starts saying.

“Big dreams for Captain America,” Bucky says. 

“You were always my dream, Bucky.”

And then neither of them knows what else to say, especially because they know Steve is probably deflecting the tiniest bit, but by the end of it they’re both smiling again anyway. Deflecting or not, it’s never not true.


	7. Chapter 7

Late in the summer one day, Steve asks him, “Do you think it could have always been this way? If I’d stayed?”

Bucky looks at him for a long moment as if judging if he’s serious and then shakes his head. “You wouldn’t be Steve Rogers if you had. And anyway, we were in another time.”

Steve laughs. “Yeah. You’re right. Literally.”

“We literally were! I like this one better. For one thing, there’s more science. And these kids… They’re brave as hell.”

“We were brave too.”

“Mm. We were. It was different then, but you’re not wrong. Hey. Come here.”

Steve stops long enough to give Bucky his own considering look. Judging for himself whether Bucky is going to need to be held longer and harder today for all the banter.

He decides it wouldn’t be a bad idea.

And after that they can keep going.

“Come back to bed, Buck.”

*~*~*

Being with Bucky after so long means finally having so much relief from long-held anguish. They are the only two who have been through the entire trajectory of their lives. 

“I have you back,” Steve says, full of quiet awe.

“You’re the only one who could have gotten me back.”

“Well, I owe it to Shuri,” Steve says. 

“Of course. But I made it back...mentally...because of you.”

“We should...I should have…”

“We weren’t going to live in Wakanda.”

Steve smiles. “No. They’re doing fine.”

“That they are.”

“Still, I’m grateful. Bucky….”

“Hm?”

“I love you. And...and you’re mine.”

“Damn right I am.”

“Oh.” Steve smiles. “Oh, good.”

“Were you expecting something else? Steve...I love you too. There’s no one else who could have held onto the idea of me like you did.”

“If we never leave this apartment again….”

“I don’t want to leave Brooklyn ever again,” Bucky adds.

“I’m an Avenger. Maybe I can make that happen.”

“Do you have the power?”

“Well....”

“Who knows what’ll happen, Steve. But for now we don’t have to care. I know that’s hard for you. Good ol’ American boy.”

“Good ol’ American _queer_ boy, you mean.”

And then they’re laughing again. “Ah, it’s true, it’s still true.”

“Always will be.”

*~*~*

The next morning is long, and slow, and they’re together, working on memorizing each other’s bodies all over again. It seems like everything will be fine, but then Bucky lets out a long, slow breath and says, “Steve?” and he braces for the worst.

“Hey. Hey. It’s not-- I just-- Steve. I just wanted to tell you...something.”

Steve’s heart is racing anyway and he holds on just that much tighter to Bucky. “Uh. Yeah?”

“I don’t want to fight that much either. Especially...if.... If it’s going to make you nervous like this. Before I even say anything.”

Steve flushes. “Oh. Sorry. I just…”

“Are you scared of me?”

“What? No! Bucky, no. I swear. It’s...just.”

“You’re tired, then. I’m tired too.”

“But Bucky. I don’t want to leave New York either.”

“Neither do I. I don’t think we’d...have to?”

“Are we… well I guess we don’t. And defending home turf--we can do that. If we work with the Avengers...then we do.”

“I’ve been thinking about that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But I don’t know if it’s making sense yet. I don’t think I’ve got a conclusion yet.”

“We’ll figure it out when we have to.”

There’s more that could be said. They both know it, but neither of them is going to push things now.

In the middle of the night not too much later, though, Steve wakes up because Bucky is shaking in the middle of a nightmare. He reaches out to him but doesn’t put his hand on Bucky’s arm yet, gauging how deep the dream is first. 

“I can’t,” Bucky is saying in his sleep, and his face hardens into obstinance and then he winces back. “I’ll always remember him. You can’t make me.”

Jesus.

Steve’s blood runs cold.

He shouldn’t have waited even a second. He feels like he might be sick.

“Bucky. Bucky. Wake up. Come on.”

Bucky comes out of sleep, finally, and Steve’s heart is still pounding when he does. He waits to see if the recognition he’s gotten used to over these last few months--is even--there. He feels some relief when he sees softness in Bucky’s gaze, but there’s so much fear too.

“Buck. I’m right here. I have you now.” He speaks slowly and carefully, almost whisper-quiet but he doesn’t want any of the words to get lost, either.

“Oh, God,” Bucky says, “I was-- I was-- him, they were trying to make me him.”

“You’re not.”

“Steve, I can’t--”

“Bucky, you’re here with me. Stay right here in the room with me, okay?”

There’s a long silence, like in the early days of Bucky coming back to him, but he nods and lets Steve pull him close.

“I’ve got you, Bucky. It’s going to be okay.”

“Have...have I hurt… hurt you?” Bucky finally says, minutes later. “Was I ever… During all this… did you see me… become him?”

“No, Buck. No, not once.”

“I haven’t...felt it. But if it’s happening then--”

“It’s not.”

“It’s not going to, Steve, right? I… I think I have control.”

“You do, Bucky. It’s just a nightmare. I promise. It’s just a nightmare.”

“Okay. I promise you too. God, Steve, I’m scared.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to fight either.”

“I know. Listen. You can be done fighting. We’ll figure out a way to…”

“Can we let it all go?”

“I don’t know, Bucky. But I’m here.”

That’s what Steve can offer him.

Bucky lets out a long sigh and smiles, sad and tired though it is when he does. “You are.”

Steve brushes Bucky’s hair back from his eyes and curls into him. “You’re not him. Remember that I trust you.”

“I do.”

*~*~*

The trust they have is everything, all at once. On the long days when they don’t see another soul, and on the ones when Bucky is scared he may be on the brink of a flashback to the programming and conditioning if Steve lets him go. And they trust New York too, to shelter them, two boys still in some ways, when they are carefree and don’t feel older than the actual years given to them, especially the ones they had together.  
And the trust comes into play when Steve can finally say the words: “Bucky, I’m so tired,” and Bucky turns to him with his full attention, knowing full well how much this means.

“I’ve got the watch, Captain America,” he says, deliberate and watching Steve’s face the whole time, and it’s the best moment in a long history of moments for Bucky to use his title because now Steve can finally, finally let it go for a while.

Bucky piles the pillows and blankets around Steve. He even brings blankets out Steve didn’t know were in the apartment closets, and builds a cushion around Steve that makes everything feel cottony and wonderful. Then Bucky lets Steve have the whole bed to himself and as much as cuddling would also be wonderful Steve appreciates the soft expanse so much. It feels like he hasn’t slept in a year and it’s finally safe to do so.

*~*~*

“Do you think I’m supposed to call them?” Steve asks a few days later, with dread in his voice and on his face that he knows he isn’t able to hide.

“Who?” Bucky asks, and Steve is pretty sure that is deliberate too.

“Uh.”

“The Avengers? Steve, I really think no news is good news.”

“You’re probably right. But even Tony?”

Bucky laughs a little and says, “You know what I should do? I should cook for you. That’ll get your mind off things.”

“Okay. I won’t call him. Do we even have… What do you want to cook?”

And Bucky smiles.

*~*~*

There are still days when Steve remembers Bucky’s skin hunger--especially after the dreams. Then Steve thinks maybe they’re part way back in hell and he knows why he hasn’t called Tony yet.

When Bucky is afraid to let go, they both start hanging on for dear life, and Steve thinks they probably will never fully be away from the fear.

Sometimes it’s palpable enough to make Steve’s heart thud in his chest, but thankfully it doesn’t happen every time anymore. He knows how to pull Bucky in so he can touch as much of him as possible and wait it out. 

Words don’t matter as much then.

He could even enjoy it if Bucky wasn’t literally quaking under the force of memories.

It’s all right if they take turns, ride the waves. He has to trust the process too.

*~*~*

There is one truth that means everything: Bucky stays Bucky. He’s the kid that Steve remembers, and he’s the lover that Steve has always waited for, and it has managed to be worth it in the end. Maybe it doesn’t feel like a fairytale, but it’s also the longest they’ve ever managed a life together under one roof and every day is a positive step further in that direction. When they’re together, in any capacity, they are two people who have been one another’s everything all their lives and Steve wouldn’t have it any other way.

*~*~*

“What if it’s time for the kids to meet Captain America?” Bucky says one day, and enough of the weight is gone for Steve to really grin back at him as he realizes what Bucky means. He’s pretty sure.

And then Bucky’s grinning too.

“Really?” Steve asks, even if he is pretty sure it’s obvious he is in on it already.

“Yeah. Really. The Avengers, they wanted this for you, right? Well, maybe not this. Not 2020 this, right? But what if Steve Rogers just shows up?”

“With the shield?”

“Well, I don’t know. Think you’ll need it?”

“In 2020? Maybe.”

“Yeah. Maybe. You could carry it on your back for a while, see how you feel.”

Steve grins. “Yeah. I guess they’re called Gen Z now.”

“And the Millenials.”

“We could meet the kids. For real this time.”

Bucky grins. “Let’s do it. Together.”

“Just you and me.”

“Hell yes. And Steve? If you don’t want to play hero for the day, I get it.”

“Nah. It’s time for them to know who Captain America really is.”


	8. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ~~Possibly an epilogue?~~ No, a part II. I now have no idea if this fic is over, because friends and I were talking about it, and I might have a lot more things to say about Cap and disability, so here we are. 
> 
> (aka/also because: roguefaerie found the access intimacy tag and is now obsessed.)

Steve and Bucky arrive home safely from a protest. Steve can still hear the shouts of “holy shit,” and “We have...a guy who looks like Cap.” He and Bucky are told a few times they are very “on brand,” whatever that means. But now they’re home. 

And Steve might be a little bit ready to collapse.

He doesn’t say that directly to Bucky though. The toll is more mental than physical, really, but there’s something about seeing all the kids that reminds him of earlier days. When he wasn’t muscular, and when his body remembered pain for days. 

And then. Oh. He _really_ remembers what that felt like.

What it feels like.

Bucky sees his face fall, because he says, “There’ll be another one,” but Steve says, “No, it’s. I’m tired. I need to sleep for a week again, I guess.”

Bucky studies him, and Steve thinks, _here it comes_ , the _some superhero you are_ , even if mostly that’s been Steve’s own brain for every single moment he’s spent not able to save Bucky.

“You look like you’re about to fall over,” Bucky says. “I’m...I’m sorry. Maybe we did this too fast.”

There’s nothing in the universe Bucky has to be sorry for. He came home, and that’s the beginning and end of the story.

“No. Hey. Don’t do that to yourself. It’s not--”

“You at least need to sit down. If you need every blanket in the house…”

Steve would not say no to that kind of sleep right now. But he really doesn’t like the worried look on Bucky’s face.

“Hey. I’m still Captain America. I’ve...kind of got this.”

“Those cops were in riot gear and I know you could have thrown them across the room but--”

“Yeah. I’m...tired.”

“Steve. I’ve been. I don’t know, really stupid, maybe? How’s your pain now?”

“Eh. It’s maybe a two.”

“A Steve Rogers two used to register as a ten for me.”

“Yeah. We uh. Haven’t managed to have this conversation,” Steve says, trying to aim for a thoughtful tone. “Well, I guess we better both sit down.”

“I mean. I don’t want to sound like an ass,” Bucky says. He sits on the bed and says, “Come here already.”

Steve does so and lets Bucky get an arm around him.

“You’re not an ass. Not even close.”

“You give me a lot of leeway, you know. I mean…”

“I’m--”

“Captain America, I know. But I didn’t even ask you.”

“Maybe...don’t.”

“About your pain. About life, uh, I don’t know… with muscles?”

“There’s… I guess people would ask me out. But I just play like I’m kind of still in the fifties and they stop asking. Why? Do you miss when I was small?”

“I guess...not. I was going to say maybe I forgot, but it’s not that.” Bucky stops stock still for a second and then says, “I promise. Don’t freak out. I didn’t forget anything.”

“So do you miss me being smaller than you?” Steve has decided to believe him. Because he has to. He has to.

“I don’t know if I’d say I miss it. I guess I stopped...worrying so much.”

Steve smiles a little. “I made you worry, huh?”

“Not in a bad way. In a cute way. You know you’re cute, right? You’re always cute.”

“Thanks. That’s cute too.”

Bucky smiles and sighs. “Are you okay? What’s making things hurt? I still remember your trigger points.”

“I guess they’re still there.”

“Oh. Oh, shit, Steve.”

“But it’s more like. Emotional fatigue? Finally letting go sometimes? Sometimes. I don’t let myself often. But I can now.”

“You can? And that’s good?”

“You’re home. There’s nothing better than that.”

*~*~*

They keep going that way on and off for days, and when Bucky can see how tired Steve is on his actual face they stop and he lets Bucky pull him close.

“I didn’t mean to not ask, you know,” Bucky says, whispering into the dark one night midway through their days-long on-and-off conversation.

“Hey. Everybody needs some kind of hero and I signed up to be yours,” Steve says. “It’s not a problem. You weren’t supposed to ask.”

“I wasn’t?”

“I let you,” Steve says, and lets Bucky feel that he’s smiling a little. “It happened when it happened. It’s okay.”

“Jesus, Steve. Why do you have to be so Captain America all the time?”

“I’d tell you what the mad scientist said about all that but it’d probably piss you off.”

“Oh, I bet it would.”

“Bucky, I need to sleep.”

“Good. Close your eyes.”

*~*~*

“You know if I’m pushing you you can stop me right?”

“Yeah, Bucky. I do.”

“I know there’s not really a way to push you physically anymore. But I care about this. I swear I wasn’t trying to--”

“Bucky, sssh. I know that.”

Bucky sighs. “Okay. And if I’m too intrusive…”

“In other news, you know we could actually get married these days, right? It’s a little bit too… I dunno what you’d call it. I dunno if you’d want to. But seriously, Bucky, there’s no secrets from you or anything like that. I’ve been ready to tell you everything since we were kids.”

“Yeah.”

“Comparatively speaking.”

Bucky laughs. “Uh. Yeah.”

“We were those kids’ ages. We were younger.”

“We were.”

“And my feelings haven’t changed at all. So, if you have a question, you can always ask it. Except. You have to actually take my answer.”

“Them’s the rules, huh?”

“They are.”

“Well, Steve Rogers, you’ve got a deal. Now...can I tell you you probably need your beauty sleep?”

“You can.”

“Well then. I am. And I love you.”

“I love you too, Buck.”


	9. Chapter 9

Steve wakes up and it feels like he’s managed to get directly under a sun puddle on a lazy Sunday morning. Life with Bucky back with him is a bit like that all the time now, even with all the catching up it seems like they have to do. There goes the feeling again that time is compressed, and the large expanse of Bucky-less time matters less and less with when he knows he has him in his arms.

And he can tell Bucky is about to prove it again when he turns toward him and says, “You look comfy.” His voice is the same as it ever was and it feels like it’s going to light up the whole apartment with warmth, not to mention Steve.

“Hey,” Bucky says, “How’s all that body stuff today,” Bucky asks, and Steve can tell he’s trying to ask gently but he still groans. 

He did promise he’d tell Bucky these things, though.

“I’m all right,” Steve starts out, and Bucky gives him a slightly sharper look. “You said I looked comfy.”

“Extra blankets, Steve. You looked like you needed them.”

Steve sighs.

“I can work on your back if you need it. Your pressure points?” Bucky gently reaches out and lays a hand on Steve’s back.

Steve freezes. “Bucky, it’s different--”

“I promise you I can find them, Steve.”

Steve deflates and nods, then lets his head drop and he can tell Bucky is smiling just the tiniest bit as he moves behind Steve and gets to work.

And Bucky is right: He does find them. When his thumb pads settle exactly against the same grooves in Steve’s back Steve inhales sharply.

“Told you I remember,” Bucky whispers. “I know maybe you don’t need this as bad as you used to but--let me?”

“Bucky, I do. No one’s touched me there in… Jesus, Bucky. Maybe I don’t, but. Please.” Because maybe he does. Maybe this is what he’s needed all this time. And he is finally about to let it happen.

“Okay, Steve. Okay, okay. I’m right here.”

Steve lets himself let go yet again under Bucky’s touch, and when Bucky whispers, “I told you I remembered,” Steve is lost in the flood of emotions and memories and so many failures between then and now and how now, in this moment, it’s all still worth it.

Even if Steve is about to come undone.

*~*~*

It’s beautiful and terrible to be touched in all of the places that used to hurt so badly, and still do if Steve lets mental energy go to the wrong places. 

Bucky knows to stop and just hold onto him and says, “I know, Steve.” And then much quieter, “I have places like this too now.”

“Buck… Shit…”

“We’re a pair, huh?”

“Only two in the universe like us,” Steve murmurs.

“I’m okay with that.”

“Let me--” Steve starts to say, and Bucky shakes his head no.

“Not today, Steve. Today we work on yours, okay?”

Something quivers a little in Steve’s gut and in his vision but he nods.”It’s just hard.”

“It is hard. But I’m right here.”

Steve lowers his head again and lets himself sink into the feeling.

“It’s safe,” Bucky says. “I promise. I’ll make sure.”

“I’m supposed to be saving you, you know,” Steve says, and he wonders if he really had anything else for a moment, though he doesn’t let himself stay there this time. He knows the amusement in his voice shines through.

“Yeah, well. I think you know where we stand on that, Steve. You can let me have a few turns.”

He guesses he’s going to have to.

So he lets himself sink further into trust.

*~*~*

When he’s finally let it all happen he’s holding a pillow close and he realizes it’s wet with tears he didn’t mean to let go of..

Jesus, he’s a mess.

Bucky whispers that he will do this every day if Steve needs it, and Steve’s head is near ready to explode at the thought. He thinks of how many things went explicitly unsaid the first times they were doing any of this because of how young he and Bucky were, but how he had thought of something like that so often back then, even when all they were doing was ducking from alleyway to alleyway.

“You deserve it,” Bucky says. 

If he can tell what Steve’s thinking, he doesn’t say it out loud.

But maybe he can tell because he’s feeling the same things.

Steve shakes his head a little and sighs. He can’t say no to something like that. At least not now. “Can we just… Can you keep going?”

Steve can’t believe he’s asking for more of this. He knows now that he won’t be able to hold the emotions in if Bucky does.

But he trusts Bucky and it’s finally time.

Steve braces himself and he senses when Bucky feels that under his hands and it’s only then that Bucky says more.

“Of course,” Bucky whispers. “Tell me where.”

*~*~*

Later, when Steve is finally at ease again he is quiet when he says, “I don’t want you to doubt this, Buck. I’d do it all again, a million times over. That’s why they couldn’t stop me. I always push back.”

“That you do, Steve.”

“Promise me. Promise me you won’t doubt yourself. How amazing you still are. Or this.”

“I can give it my best shot, Steve. It’s been…a hell of a time.”

“It has. It’s been a lot. But Shuri got you back to me, and I’m so grateful.”

“I’m so grateful too. To both of you. Steve, you have no idea… Your drive… I…” Bucky’s voice is breaking. “You...you did it. I thought… I thought I was gone for good.”

“Ssh. It’s okay. You weren’t. You prove it every day.”

They fall into a not uncomfortable silence for a while and then Steve smiles wryly and says,  
“You’re okay, we’re okay. Tell me if you can let it go just for now? What do _you_ need today, Bucky?”

And Bucky lets the question rest there in the air. So Steve knows he’s going to let him help him too.

“Will you just hold on to me?”

“I thought you were never going to ask.”


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, before Bucky can be pulled into any kind of morning routine, Steve kisses him, and Bucky is pulled into the safety of the kiss, pliant in Steve’s arms. Steve murmurs, “So. Are you ready for me to find the ones you have?”

“Maybe? I mean if it felt like this then...yes. But what if…”

“You’re with me now, Buck, and I have complete faith in Shuri’s work. You’re not going to turn back into him. There’s no one here who can do that to you.”

Bucky nods, and his eyes are glistening a bit with sudden unshed tears.

“We just have to keep having faith in each other, in Wakanda, and that they did what they needed to do for us.”

“Okay, Steve.”

“Will you let me?”

“I will.”

Steve gets to work, though he doesn’t stick entirely to the same places Bucky found on his back. He knows there would be others--places of memories of skin burns around the face.

He doesn’t end up wrong about any of that. The burns are gone, but the memory remains, and he reminds Bucky that he’s right here as he works to find them all and apply gentle touch.

“You belong to yourself now, Bucky. These hurt, but they aren’t a mark of who you are.” 

Bucky grabs his arm and holds on for dear life and Steve stops. 

“Too much?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“The memories stay…”

“They stay in the body. But they’re only memories now, Buck. I promise.”

“You’re one unstoppable force, Steve Rogers. Can’t believe you’re willing to do this.”

“You did it for me. I… I want you to feel safe with me, Bucky. It’s important.”

Bucky pushes back against Steve, so that so much is touching him, and lets out a long sigh. “I do. I do. You should keep going but I…”

“Only if you’re comfortable.”

“The burns...they healed...but…”

And without another word Bucky stiffens. Still definitely Bucky, but Steve knows the look of a waking nightmare.

Bucky’s eyes go glassy, and he squeezes Steve’s arm tighter but he’s giving all the signs Steve knows that he isn’t really mentaly in the same place as Steve. 

Steve considers for a long moment and then lets go of Bucky’s arm to get him fully contained in Steve’s arms. “Okay, I’m here, I’m here.”

“I won’t… I didn’t… forget. I didn’t forget Steve!” Bucky says. And then his head shoots back as if he’s under the thrall of HYDRA now and he’s just received a jolt of electricity.

Guilt surges through Steve but he just holds on, tighter, tighter. “Bucky, come back to me,” he says, loud and firm. I’m right here. Steve’s right here.”

Bucky goes limp in Steve’s arms and tears start to fall unbidden from his eyes. “I never forget Steve. I’d forget who _I_ am before--”

And Steve’s heart breaks open. 

He did this. He started this.

He can hear that it’s still Bucky but…

He put Bucky into this place of pain.

He starts to cry too, openly, and without words. He keeps trying to squeeze Bucky tighter, and finally--

“Steve,” Bucky whispers. “Steve, don’t cry. Please, babe. Please.”

Steve wasn’t even able to watch how Bucky pulled out of it.

“You’re so strong,” Bucky says. “You made it home. You made it home. But I… I just made that happen, Bucky.”

“Steve, don’t cry. Be...I need...you. Breathe. And be with me. It’s just memories, Steve.”

“But you were there-- They tortured you. And I couldn’t save you and you still… Choose me?”

“I still choose you. Kiss me, Steve. Hold on to me. Bring me the rest of the way back to you.”

But Steve can’t stop the tears on a whim. “I never should have--”

“Touched me? Steve?” Fear is rising in Bucky’s voice.

“No I meant…. Pushed you….”

“You always push. It’s what you do. Sure... there’s some snags in the plan, Steve, but it’s not your fault, any more than it was mine. You kept coming, and even seeing you… it guided me home.”

“What?”

“Every time I saw you. I knew you. And I know you now. You’re my Steve.”

“Every time….”

“I always knew where you were. And I could see you. I could recognize you. I just couldn’t--”

They both wince. 

“Bucky…”

“Don’t stop… Even when it feels like you need to stop… don’t stop. I want my whole body back, Steve.”

Steve nods. That’s something he’s thought about all these many years.

“We can do it. Together. You...you getting the relief you need and me... “

“You aren’t him.”

“It’s...the memories.”

“I know.”

“Today I can’t… Hold on to me Steve. I’m sorry.”

“Buck.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. How you ever thought--”

“No, Bucky. Okay. Let it out.”

“How you ever thought I was good….”

“You are good,” Steve murmurs, “I’ve got you. They’re… they’re monsters, they’re the ones who did this to you. You didn’t do this to yourself.”

“I was weak.”

“You’re the only partner in crime I’ve ever wanted, and you fought off the programming, so that makes you strong as hell.”

“Just doesn’t feel like it, today.”

“I know.”

“Don’t let them get me again, Steve.”

“I won’t.”

“God, I love you. If they did… I want you to know… they wouldn’t be able to take you away from me. Even if it looked like they did.”

“I know, Bucky. No one can take you away from me either. I’ll always stand and fight. I’ll always push back.”

“Steve…”

“Do you think this, today I mean, was a mistake?”

“No. I’ll always be able to find my way back to you. Maybe you needed to see it. And that….that’s worth it.”

Steve lets out a sigh and nods. “Okay, Bucky.”

“They’re never going to win. They may think they can. But the people are stronger than they are. Morally _and_ in numbers.”

Steve smiles. “And the people have Cap.”

They both laugh, tired though it is.

“Even if I start out with great intentions and then, well,” he gestures around the room and this time Bucky sighs.

“Steve.”

“Yeah, Bucky?”

“Just kiss me and hold onto me, all right? Just for now?”

“You’ve got a deal.”

*~*~*

That night they hold onto each other but Steve can’t enjoy it. He’s lost in his own thoughts on what he did to Bucky just because he wanted to be the hero.

Bucky curls close to him and looks at his face and says, resolutely, “It wasn’t you. I knew what could happen just as easily as you could have known.”

“How do we...deal with it?”

“Just carefully, Steve, just like we always do. Don’t give up just because--”

“I will never give up. Not on you.”

Bucky smiles, and curls in against Steve’s chest.

“I love you, Steve Rogers. Don’t ever change.”

“Not plannin’ on it.”


	11. Chapter 11

The next morning, though, what happened hits Steve all over again, like a bus.

“Bucky…”

“Uh oh.” Bucky watches him carefully. “I know that tone.”

“It’s just…”

“I’m okay, Steve. I promise. We just...keep going.”

“I…”

“Heroes are allowed to make mistakes. We’re allowed to not know an outcome, Steve. Besides, it was me who told you about my sensitive spots. I guess maybe I’ll call them trigger points now.”

Steve sighs. “Yeah. Maybe a good idea. I just feel like...the worst.”

“You’re expecting yourself to be able to save the world again, Steve. Listen. In here? You already saved me.”

Steve laughs, a little harsh, and says, “It’s the part once that’s done that I don’t know how to do.”

“Sure you do. You’re still my Steve. C’mere, just kiss me good morning, for one thing.”

Steve smiles a little. Oh. He’d been so distracted that he hadn’t-- even--

He leans in and kisses Bucky and so much sureness floods back into him. He gets both hands against Bucky’s skin and presses closer, letting out the tiniest pleased sound. “Oh.”

“Told you,” Bucky whispers back. “We’re doing all right.”

“Feels incredible. It’s just like…”

“It’s just like it was. Like when we were so young, Steve…” 

“I could do this all day,” Steve says. “Can’t believe you just let me…”

“Of course I would. You’re always what sustains me, Steve Rogers. Now...just keep going.”

*~*~*

They don’t go out for food, they don’t plan for the next time they’ll join an action. That day is just about Steve and Bucky coming home to each other in every way they know how. When the years melt off of them and they’re just the two of them enjoying each other, everything is fine, things couldn’t be more perfect and peaceful.

Sometimes tears of relief fall, and they just let them, neither of them judging the other when it happens. And soon Bucky is smiling again and Steve starts to believe him that he really is fully back to himself, and holding safe there.

Steve knows he believes it the first time he lets Bucky back at his own pressure points again; an exquisite pain that he couldn’t deal with if he was still focused on what had happened when Bucky flashbacked. 

Bucky was right. He did remember every single one of them, and what each one meant about Steve’s body, no matter its size or proportions.

“You love me,” Steve murmurs, mystified.

“Always have. Always wanted to live long enough to keep proving it to you.”

Steve smiles. “Well we’re old. But we’re not old and grey. Think you wanna keep goin’?”

“Always. I’ll never stop.”

“Me either, Buck.”

“Well we know that,” Bucky says, and they both laugh.

*~*~*

“But seriously, Steve. I know what it means that I got you back. And not just Captain America, but my actual Steve.”

“Am I?”

“Of course you are.”

Steve smiles. “I guess--I’m definitely tired enough to be.”

“Sounds about right.” Bucky clasps him gently on the arm near his shoulder and leans in for another kiss and Steve is surprised the wiring in the apartment stays solid.

“I…”

“You’ve got about seventy years of that to catch up on, my old man,” Bucky says affectionately.

“It still blows me away.”

“Me too.”

“So is there more where that came from? Because…”

Bucky grins. “Of course there is. C’mere.”

*~*~*

“Bucky?”

“Hm?”

“You know it’s okay not to be okay, right?”

“Yes, I do, Steve. But it’s like you said. I’m home. And hey, Steve… got a question.”

“Sure.”

“Do you think you know that?”

“Touche.”

Bucky smiles. “I mean, because the last few days.”

Steve sighs. “Yeah. I mean, there’s always high points.”

“But...you might be a bit of a mess, Stevie.”

“Oh, we’re going that far, are we?”

“I guess we are.”

“So…”

“So we take turns. Right? If you need me to.”

Steve groans, but nods. “I try to.”

“And how’s the body stuff been?”

Steve freezes.

The last time he talked about that--

“Steve. It’s okay. We’ll be careful. I guess I’m just asking-- if you need anything. Brain weasels? Too tired? Pressure point hell?”

“This conversation was supposed to be about if you needed anything.”

“Aha,” Bucky said, so that it almost sounded like a deliberate laugh. “Well, my friend, I guess you’re doing a really great job making sure I’m all right.”

Steve smiled, with a tinge of sadness in it. “Okay,” he said. “Good.”

“I know you’re a superhero and all, but I’m proud of you. Getting all this done. All this rest. All this quiet time.” 

“Don’t say all that too loud, Buck.” Steve can’t even force amusement into his voice.

“Okay, I won’t,” Bucky says seriously, in a whisper. “But remember. It’s okay to be Steve on the inside.”

Steve smiles. “Yeah. Yeah, it is. This is proof.”

“It is, babe. So, see? I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Buck. I actually really needed you to say that.”


	12. Chapter 12

They settle into a given rhythm of sorts. It’s not without stops and starts. And when Steve puts himself on the front line among a bunch of kids or beside a group of completely fed up Moms he does take the shield. Bucky stands beside him, and they take direction from people who have been doing this type of direct action for much longer than they have. No, they haven’t forgotten that this was the deal they made with themselves. And when they’re getting ready, Steve even writes Tony’s number on his arm just in case anything happens that he can’t handle. 

But they always make it home, and Steve knows that home means more time with Bucky than he ever had to begin with.

It’s both beautiful and terrible, and if they’re making it up to each other from now until the end of time, well, Steve is, at his core, all right with that.

It feels good that he’s him but he doesn’t have to lead--not without a new set of tactics he’s learning on the fly. The people he meets in the streets have strategy of their own and he absorbs it naturally like new battle plans.

And Bucky’s pride in him shines all over his face and it is absolutely enough. It’s everything. Everything Steve could have ever asked for.

It’s on the battlefield so to speak that Steve sees Bucky’re flexes at work. They’re still there. So he never intended to become a crime-fighting duo with his high school sweetheart, but if push comes to shove it’s absolutely a thing that could happen.

*~*~*

And then they’re home, and they let Brooklyn envelop them with the safety and comfort it has always meant.

There are missteps and miscommunications here and there, but they know what they have now is precious and will not allow it to be thrown away by any means.

It may have been them against the world at one time--or even just Steve pushing and pushing to show others what dignity really meant for him and countless others. But now Steve recognizes it as something else again, that it probably was even then too: it’s the world in step with him and Bucky.

And the world has always been worth defending.

It’s always been worth pushing for. 

*~*~*

“We’re going to be okay, Buck, aren’t we? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“I doubt the kids want to hear you ask that question.”

“Well I know, and it looks pretty bleak out there. But you and me. We’re here to defend them, right?”

“And there’s others out there. Helping as hard as they can,” Bucky says. “We’ve seen them. As for us...well, we never give up.”

“Never.”

“So what does that tell you?”

Steve grins. “That I really, really love you.”

“I think we know what we’re doing, Steve, enough to stay safe.”

“Okay, Buck.”

“But hey. Steve. Why are you askin’?”

Steve looks down ever so slightly and Bucky says, “Ah. Brain weasel.”

“Today, yeah. I guess.”

“Well, my dear old man Captain America: it makes sense. I know you don’t really know which way is up now that your main objective has been achieved. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, does it?”

Steve blinks and doesn’t say anything.

“Hey.” Bucky stands right in front of him and pointedly lifts Steve’s chin. “I’m right here.”

“Sometimes I don’t know what to do.”

“I know.”

“Anymore.”

“I know.”

Steve sighs. 

“It’s your best, Steve. You always give it your best. Didn’t Tony kind of freak out a little too?”

“Yeah.”

“So...maybe it’s your turn. There’s no shame in it. You know the old Steve Rogers wouldn’t have been ashamed, even if he got the shit kicked out of him. Right?”

“Yeah.”

“And that’s still you, right?”

“Yeah, it is. But Buck…”

Bucky sits down in front of him and takes his hand. “Yeah?”

Some of the pain of this leeches out of Steve because with Bucky touching him everything feels a little bit more connected inside his brain. He even breathes a little bit easier, like some cliche of a person, but he’s not going to knock it. He feels relief.

“Uh.” Steve smiles. “Yeah. Keep doing that.”

“It’s okay to not know what to do.”

“But I’m a--” And oh. There it is.

“Even if you’re a superhero. Even if you are that for everyone. It’s okay to be Captan America _and_ my Steve.”

“Oh, your Steve huh?”

“Since I can remember.”

That gets Steve right in the gut and he feels tears spring up but he won’t let them fall. “Jesus, Bucky.”

Bucky leans in and up and kisses him. When he pulls away he says quietly, “I know. That wasn’t playing fair.”

“I just want--”

“You need to rest anyway, Steve. You always do when this kind of thing is too close to the forefront of your mind. Will you come to bed with me?”

Steve grins. “Will I.”

“And you should know by now you’re the one obsessed with playing fair.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter. Fic is completely written and the ending will be posted by the end of the week.

Steve sets down two cups of coffee with a sigh.

“What’s eating you?” Bucky asks.

“Well, you know.” Steve pauses just long enough for Bucky to zero in on him with genuine concern.

“Yeah?”

“Some things you’ve mentioned,” Steve says in a measured and careful way. “We are allowed not to know what’s going on, you know? That’s not wrong. It’s just, I’ve been thinking about how we’re the only two kind of locked in, uh, well, all this, and sometimes it’s heavy, you know?”

“Yeah, Steve. Maybe not as well as you do, but I do know.”

“I guess there are other superheroes who might have some idea.” But Steve looks like he’s swallowed a lemon when he says it. It’s not like he wants some kind of superhero support group. And whatever was going on with The Avengers, it really messed Tony up and could have cost him everything worth having. 

This. This is safe. Right here. With his love.

Bucky studies his face and then says, “Yeah. I can pick up what you’re putting down.”

“It just makes me tired. Like ‘I think I need a caffeine drip to get through all this,’ tired. You wouldn’t even think I was a superhero anymore.”

“The coffee is a nice touch,” Bucky says.

“Buck.”

“Hey. I’m kidding with you. But it’s not a bad idea either. Steve. It just means you’re human.”

“So I’m not failing the entire world?”

“By drinking coffee?”

“By being on retirement, or whatever this is.”

“Have you failed yet?”

“I don’t even know how to tell.”

Bucky reaches out for Steve’s hand and Steve allows him to take it, covering the whole of Steve’s with his own. “I’m right here.”

Steve nods. He looks into his coffee cup anyway.

“Steve, are you lonely?”

“Lonely isn’t it. Just, I should be feeling direction. I always felt direction.”

“Well if you’d told me we’d make it this far only to be going through Nazis all over again--” Bucky starts to say.

“--Oh. Oh, shit, Buck. That’s it, isn’t it.”

“Fight of a lifetime, Steve Rogers, and it’s okay to be tired out by it. Just…”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t lose me again in the fight.”

“I won’t, Buck. I promise.”

They don’t turn on the TV, least of all the news, that day. Bucky gets a lot more coffee, and donuts, and bagels and says, “From now on I’ll make you breakfast. You recharge.”

“I shouldn’t have to recharge, Buck.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, sometime superheroes who come out of cryo to find the same problem...are gonna crash. And this may be it for you, buddy, but you’ve got me here.”

“Am I allowed to crash?”

“It’s happening, isn’t it?”

Steve laughs. “God, I missed you, did you know that?”

Bucky brings Steve a genuine bagel and more coffee, and a muffin he didn’t even mention, and Steve may be feeling run down but he tucks into his breakfast all the same.

It’s like a proper New York morning. With Bucky.

After the food, Steve’s eyes start to drift close right where he sits.

“C’mon, Steve, I can’t carry you.”

“Anymore.”

Bucky smiles a little. “That’s right, small Steve, but it’s all right. You can get yourself there. C’mon. Let’s go.”

And so the breakfast that bled over into lunch is concluded and Steve curls up back in bed.

“You’re not allowed to think of yourself as a failure, Steve Rogers,” Bucky says. “Just sleep now. Just rest.”

“If I didn’t know any better--”

“Yeah, yeah. This is all the work I shoulda been doin’ the whole time, Steve.”

And then they’re both quiet for a long moment before Bucky climbs back into bed with Steve.

Then they curl around each other and Steve finally closes his eyes without protest.

“And when you wake up,” Bucky says, “I’m yours. Whatcha gonna do to me?”

“Everything,” Steve says, cuddling closer. They both feel the moment when his guard completely drops and he slips into sleep.

*~*~*

Steve wakes up shaking and when he does Bucky is ready for it.

“Hydra,” they both say together. 

Steve burrows even closer to Bucky. “I can’t risk anything like that ever happening to you again. I can’t. That’s why it’s almost worse.”

“Nothing’s going to happen, Steve.”

“Or Tony? What about Tony?”

“Steve. Breathe.”

Steve takes a deep breath. He’s still shaking, but he lets Bucky get the blankets fully around him.

“I’m right here,” Bucky says. “I’m right here and I’m here to stay. And if I wasn’t--”

Steve stiffens.

“If I wasn’t, you’d know how to find Shuri.”

Steve doesn’t seem to calm down hearing that, either.

“Not forever, Steve. And probably never. But just in case. You’d know how.”

Steve lets out a long sigh and nods. 

Bucky reaches up and starts rubbing Steve’s shoulders. “Listen, I know Hydra’s hardly romantic. But your back’s a mess, will you at least let me work on you a little?”

“In a while? I don’t want to let you go yet.”

Bucky nods and leans in. “All right. I’m right here.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter.

Their apartment is sweltering like only a place in the middle of New York City really can be, so when Steve has had space to breathe he is the one who insists Bucky lay still and enjoy. They move slowly and deliberately, with small movements to give themselves what they need without overheating. 

And if Steve thinks much about how Bucky really does sound the same and make the same noises he always did, well, he pushes some of that down to avoid thinking about what else that might mean.

Instead he whispers to Bucky, “You’re not the only one who remembers this,” and he’s right that Bucky sounds just the same as he did before everything went to hell.

They only stop when they’re both finally falling asleep. And when they wake up again Steve finally relents and leans in when Bucky goes to work on his back.

*~*~*

“Bucky?” Steve asks, and even he knows he’s quieter than usual.

“Mm? Steve?”

“Did you-- At Shuri’s-- Did you miss me then?”

“I missed you every day, Steve. It was just… different, different places. Sometimes I didn’t know if I should. Or if I did, whether it would-- cause a problem.”

Steve stiffens.

“Wait, wait. But to answer your question: Yes. Yes, I did. You’re who I came back for, Steve. You’re what pulled me back. Mentally intact, I mean. You know I’ve told you that.”

Steve nods and sighs. “When I got to Wakanda they wouldn’t let me see you right away. And then when I did…”

“I saw your face,” Bucky whispers. “Steve, that’s why we’re rebuilding now. You know that, right?”

“You...saw?”

“I wasn’t afraid,” Bucky says, “Were you?”

“No. Just.”

“See? So I just saw… I saw the things you’d been holding in. I’ve always been able to read your face.”

“So how come you’re so good at this now, Buck? Is that why?”

“In Wakanda… I got to rest. You know, Steve, how you said you were surrounded by friends, and they slowly acclimated you?”

Steve nods wordlessly.

“Well...it was like that. A little. At least enough.”

“When you saw me. I mean, really saw me, and you knew it was me…” Steve looks down.

“Hm?”

He looks back up again. “Was it a different face? Bucky?”

“No. Not to me.”

“Oh. Oh, God, that’s good.”

“I worried the same thing,” Bucky whispers. “I worried it would be and you wouldn’t--”

“I always would. I _always_ would.”

“--see me.”

“I did. I swear. I could always see you.”

“So the first time, in the lab… I could barely meet your eyes. After everything…”

“I felt the same. But we did. We did.”

“And I didn’t blow away. I didn’t fall apart. There you were. My Steve. And you were scared but… not in the way I thought.”

“Not scared of you, Bucky. I was never scared of you. That was why…”

“Hey. Hey.”

“I kept pushing.”

“You sure did.”

“But I guess neither of us could be a brilliant teenaged scientist from a hidden African kingdom.”

They both smiled.

“If it helps,” Bucky says, “I get the impression she likes her job. Likes being a scientific wunderkind.”

“I thought so too.”

Steve sighs. “Bucky, Jesus. I’m still so tired.”

“I know, Steve, and I love you.”

“I need to sleep for a year.”

“Blanket pile?”

“Okay. But not without you in the bed. Please. I need you close to me.”

“Okay, love. You’ve got it.”

Once Steve settles, Bucky gets his arms tightly around him and cocoons both of them in the blankets. Steve knows now that he’s here to help Steve let anything out that he needs to.

What neither of them are expecting is that tonight, Bucky cries too.

*~*~*

Their tough night slides Steve right into a nightmare of some kind. He can’t really remember what happens in it but he knows he’s been yelling for Bucky in his sleep because of the startled look on his would-be-husband’s face when he wakes up. Buck really does look like he’s spent the night crying, too.

“Steve,” he says, but he’s clearly worn out and doesn’t finish the thought very quickly.

“Bucky. I don’t remember. The dream. But I just know you’re the one thing that they can take away from me. I can’t let it happen, Bucky.”

Bucky doesn’t seem surprised by this at all. He lowers his voice and says, “Last night wasn’t on my greatest hits list, Steve. But here’s what I’m going to say. I’m right here and I hate hearing you cry.”

“Well, _that’s_ mutual.”

“I want to be here with you as long as I can. So I need you to stay in the now, okay? Stay with me here.”

Steve blinks up at him.

“Like you’ve told me before. Stay in the right now with me. Try to do that as much as you can. No one’s stealing me. You and I are safe. We keep the streets safe, too, but we’re safe together here. So. That’s what I need you to do. Be in the right now.”

“How?”

Bucky adopts a mock sour expression. “Well. I guess if you need to, you can take care of us. You know?”

That’s when Steve smiles. “So you do like it when I take care of you.”

“It’s not the worst.”

“Well, I finally can.”

“Hey. You know you always did. Maybe we didn’t have the words then, but don’t sell yourself short. You’re not even small anymore.”

Steve laughs. “Still miss some stuff about being small. There were ways it was good in a fight. Well, anyway. If that’s my toughest assignment...I’ll do it.”

“Good. But I’m still going to make you sleep.”

“God. You’re really here. It really happened. C’mere, you.”

“Oh, boy.”

“I owe you a kiss good morning. And a lot more.”

“Oh yeah?”

“A lot more.”

*~*~*

Now Steve has a new mission--not just the one he gave himself when he first held Bucky in his arms back in Wakanda, but the one Bucky has given him alongside it. He will make their lives here as gentle as he can.

He cooks eggs in the morning or goes out and brings back bagels and makes sure there’s cream cheese and lox. He makes sure that instead of invoking bad body memories for Bucky he’s replacing them with the best ones that he can. 

And he starts to recognize this reprieve for what it is. He and Bucky get to decide now what they’re doing and how they’re going to help the world, within the generous limits they’ve been given.

He doesn’t feel like he’s failing because no one is breathing down his neck and Bucky has always been great at encouragement.

And there it is--that morning sun puddle feeling starts to come back in little bits, not because Steve Rogers got a miracle cure but because he realizes he doesn’t have to be afraid of having Bucky home with him. He doesn’t have to be afraid of his happily ever after, and a family of two who fought through every obstacle to be together again.

Steve Rogers lets himself breathe.

After they reach their compromise, it’s not so nerve-wracking to let Bucky work on all the parts of him that hurt these days--maybe from mental health, or fatigue, or just so long neglected. He wouldn’t have let anyone else in the world do these things for him, but letting Bucky do them finally starts to become the comfort it’s meant to be.

“I heard something on a Podcast,” Bucky says, as he leans down and kisses Steve.

“You what?”

“Yeah. This probably means we have a fair division of labor now. You’re finally letting me pamper you back.”

And that’s when Captain America Steve Rogers blushes as bright as he ever has and murmurs, “‘S ‘Cause I love you.”

“Truer words have never been spoken. Hey, Steve?”

“Mm?”

“Thanks for never giving up on me.”

“Thanks for coming back to me, Bucky. So I could bring you home.”

“It’s not so bad, is it?”

“Think I might be finally getting the hang of it.”

“Just a little give and take. We can do that just fine. Hey. C’mere, willya?”

Steve lets himself settle against Bucky and close his eyes. He relaxes so completely that he can feel himself settling into a sleepy sun puddle feeling without an ounce of protest.

He’ll let everything be for now..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. For real.

**Author's Note:**

> Fixed dating bug that was going on with this!
> 
> In any case, so I read an amazing post on Cap and disability, and was already shooting for This Is Just How Steve and Bucky Are as Steve and Bucky, so now there's more to write about how they both handle disability, so, we're doing that now, so chapters are continuing for longer than I anticipated. I considered making a separate fic for After I Read That but I mostly just wanted to contain it all in one fic for Reasons. So here we are, with the continuation of what I thought was done. I never know the perfect right way to continue something to suit all readers, but I've noticed patterns with myself and the site. 
> 
> It may be fairly obvious to most who read my works but I am a disabled author and am absolutely processing disability stuff in what I write.
> 
> Thanks for hanging in there with me.


End file.
